Wednesday, March 13, 2013

A New Way to Break My Heart

I had to take my dog (of a little over one week) back to the humane society. She tried to bite a couple of people, and I didn't see it getting any better --- in fact, the longer she stayed with me, the more territorial she seemed to become and less likely to "warm up" to strangers coming to visit us.

It broke my heart.

I cried all Sunday night after realizing that I just couldn't keep her. I called my parents, and they helped me see that it was the right decision for both me and Tilly, but it still was very sad. On Monday, I actually literally felt like a rock was resting on top of my heart organ. I hated that.

When I gathered her up at my apartment after work, I cried and cried. On the way to the shelter, I cried. I think the guy in the truck behind me at the stoplight to get onto the freeway saw me (he looked concerned, and I felt embarrassed, but still couldn't stop crying).

I thought that by the time I got to the shelter, all of my tears would be gone, but no. I continued to cry. In fact, I made a fool of myself. I even started hyperventilating. I tried so hard to stop, because I was in public now, but I just couldn't. The workers at the shelter were very kind, but I could tell they were a little freaked out by my socially unnacceptable behavior, In fact, so was I.

I sort of regret it, taking her back. I miss her already. I wish she was with me when I go home, and I wish she needed me to take her out in the morning and in the evening, and walk with me. But, then I remind myself that things were not going to get better, and I would end up with a dog who bites.

This way, I can try again to find the right dog for me.

I don't know why I want a dog so badly, but I can tell you, I haven't felt this strongly about wanting something for a long time. It hurts, but it also feels good to want something and pursue it.

I think that might be a part of human nature: the right to obsess over something for a period of time. I feel more alive for having a small, controled obsession. I feel passionate and emotional in a way I have not felt before, at least not in recent memory.

Then again, maybe it's bad. Maybe I am losing control. Maybe I am going a little crazy.

What do you think? And, do you ever obsess over something?

4 comments:

  1. Oh Heidi....my heart goes out to you...even though I think you made the right decision...it is heart wrenching to lose a pet...and that is what happened to you. It sounds like Tilly had a lot of baggage that needed professional help. You did the right thing. My friend had a dog that started biting people, and she had to keep it in the kennel when anyone visited...then it bit the vet and he had to have 16 stitches. She had to put the poor thing to sleep and was heart broken...but it got worse and worse...no matter what she tried. As for your question about obsession...I wrote a post about Where's George being an obsession of mine. I think we all have them. Take care. Jackie http://familytrove.blogspot.com/

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  2. I am crazy about my pets. I think you wanted to be "the one" who could help Tilly, but you just weren't. Maybe she needs a person who doesn't have a lot of company, someone who could just let her be with them, quiet, in solitude. Sometimes we just can't be who others--human or animal--need us to be. It's okay.

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  3. I can't imagine the hurt you feel. My dog got out yesterday and was gone for a few hours. My husband called me to tell me she was missing while I was at school and I was sick to my stomach for two hours until he called again and told me he had found her. It would be even more heart wrenching to make the decision you had to make. That said, you made the right decision.

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  4. Oh Heidi,
    I'm so so sorry. We'll find you the perfect dog. I love you.

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