Sunday, November 28, 2010

I am a Tribute (Obituary)

PROVO, Ut -- Heidi B., the perpetual student, of Brigham Young University, has died. She was ...well, it's curious, saying the age of a woman, even a dead one, even if I'm not saying, but just typing it, seems impolite. Let's just say she was old enough to drink, and young enough to die good. Even though she didn't drink, and she wasn't really good, either.

Heidi, a left-hander, was 741-0 with two near-wins and five comically predictable strike-outs only in the last year.

Heidi suffered and died from complications due to what medical experts called a "massive BSR stroke" (while reading, of course) caused, doctors say, by an unusual combination of extreme boredom, extreme seclusion, and massive reading. Apparently the brain really can only handle a quantifiable amount of proportionate salmations of these three things, and doctors estimate that she had exceeded the normal limits of "so much" in the eighth grade. "It's a wonder," said one expert, "that she made it as long as she did. It really was only a matter of time."

Witnesses claim that she died laughing.

According to Heidi's friends, she was "nice --- but a little strange." One friend said, "I felt bad for her, because she just didn't fit in -- I mean, she really, really didn't. I just wanted to help her be normal, but it was totally beyond her to even see normal. It's like she didn't even realize how weird she was. Or she liked being abnormal. I think she was pretty near-sighted, actually. She told me her contact prescription once, and I sort of wondered if it were legal for someone so impaired to drive."

Heidi's family had nothing to say on the subject of her death. When questioned, they asked, "Who?" and then, "she's dead? What are you talking about? Stop being ridiculous. I don't have time for one of these games."

According to several facebook tests, she most likely was color blind, had road rage, dandruff, schizophrenia, technophobia, androphobia, and would most likely date both George AND Fred Weasley if she were a student at Hogwarts. Of course that means the opposite (Except the part about androphobia).

Heidi was pursuing a degree in English Teaching, which she unfortunately did not obtain prior to her death.  She has exactly zero major (or minor. She was minoring in humanities) accomplishments to speak of.

She is survived by ...well, no one. She never did get around to making one of those family-things, and her apartment contract forbade pets of any kind.

At least she died laughing.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Sample in a Tube.

She sits, in the library, day after day
from her job, in the lab,
squirting samples into tubes.
Her eyes meet the floor:
(they are unashamed lovers,
her eyes and that floor,
meeting day after day,
gazing passionately on,
unashamed of the time
that they've wasted on each other.)
There she sits, till the close,
in that room, after dark,
gazing days into years,
till her face starts to sag
and the people in her books
live their lives while she sits
and diligently squirts
all her samples into tubes
in the mornings at the lab.

Sunday, November 21, 2010