How to Get Ready for the Day in 17 Minutes or Less

For those of us who hate waking up, getting ready for the day in the morning can be a real chore. Personally, I hate it, especially if it happens before 8AM.

Getting enough sleep can be very difficult for busy people. I value sleep above personal appearance, though not hygiene. You're about to see how:

The Night Before
Step 1: Hygiene. Shower at night, because showering in the morning takes massively more time (I am so slow in the morning. Every motion is a dramatic, slow dream sequence, except that I'm awake, not sleeping still), and it also makes you wet/cold first thing in the morning. Ick.  Also, this way you don't get your bed all gross with the day's sweat. And! This way your hair will dry over night, and not only will you save time by skipping the hair dryer, you also will cause less damage to your hair. (Split ends are ugly. They also lower my self esteem).

Also, apply deodorant at night. This way, it has time to clog your armpit-pores and keep them from getting smelly. I'm serious, that's how it works!

Step 2: Decide what to wear the night before. It takes longer to make simple decisions in the morning, so deciding the night before means you take a lower absolute value of time deciding altogether, and no time whatsoever in the morning.

Step 3: Pack your backpack, including lunch, before going to bed. But not dairy products. They belong in the refrigerator. I'm very serious, that's so gross.

Step 4: Set alarm. What a pity not to wake up in the morning, now that you don't have to wake up until much later!

The Morning
Step 5: Wake up when your alarm goes off. Don't set it for fifteen minutes, or half an hour, or especially an hour or two hours before you actually intend to wake up (Can you believe that people do that?!). Why would you do that? To feel like you slept in? Don't be ridiculous! You just robbed yourself of that much more sleep you could have enjoyed! Interrupted sleep is more tiring than being awake, so just grow up and convince yourself that when your alarm goes off, you wake up. It's as simple as that. Just a little adult-like resolve, and BAM. More sleep.

Step 6: Hygiene. The most important thing to do before leaving in the morning is to brush your teeth, so do that first. Don't wait until after you've eaten breakfast, because then you might forget. Also, your mouth is disgusting, why would you want to swallow that? Wash your face and style your hair, and you are hygienically prepared to step out that door.

Step 7: Put on the clothes you set out. Don't change your mind about what you're wearing, just wear it, okay?

Step 8: Put dairy products from fridge for lunch into bag.

Step 9: If your 17 minutes are up, leave.

Step 10: If they aren't, eat something.

Step 11: Then leave already! You're done!

Step 12: Seriously, what are you doing still in your apartment? There is not reason to stay here! Out there is where the world is, go meet it!

Step 13: Carpe diem!

Step 14: I can't have 13 steps to get ready, that's just wrong.

That is all.