Thursday, July 1, 2010

Show Yourselves, and Take What You Ask For

I'm sitting at my desk, which is odd. Who sits at desks, anyway? I like my window; it's pretty. I mean, the sky that comes into my bedroom is pretty.

I'd like to discuss something that's sort of serious, so stop reading if that's not what you're into. I mean it, don't waste your time!

There's a story I read a long, long, long time ago, when I was in elementary school(I know this because I remember checking the book out in the elementary library). Actually the book was a collection of short stories, and this was one of the short stories. Short stories are sometimes so much more substantial than novels, wouldn't you say? This story, like so many others, was about a princess.

When the king and queen had trouble conceiving (or maybe they had just gotten married, I really couldn't say, it's totally unimportant), the queen went to a well known witch for help. The witch asked what the queen wanted, and the queen described a beautiful baby girl.

The witch was appalled at the queen's lack of depth, and so, granted her wish in a most unusual way. The queen became pregnant, and when she gave birth, her daughter, the princess, was completely invisible.

Instead of telling the princess about her condition, the king and queen commissioned a great number of artists to paint portraits of the girl, at every stage of her life, as a beautiful girl of that age. When she was three, there were pictures of darling three year old girls all over, and when she was seven, there were exquisite seven year olds in all the pictures. The princess was told that she was the most beautiful girl in the kingdom, and whenever she asked what she looked like, whoever was asked the question would look at one of the lovely portraits and describe it for her.

This satisfied her, until one day, for some reason, she asked this question where there was no picture to describe, so the poor fool who she asked was at a loss for words. She came to find out, then, that she was invisible.

Upset, she ran into the forest. She cried, and eventually found a great, huge, mirror just chillin' there in the forest (probably every forest has one, as you are all probably aware). I think the witch was there, and I think they talked about the invisibility, but I can't really remember.

The princess touched the mirror, and found she could step in, so she did. Inside was vast array of body parts- noses, ears, eyes, hands, hair. It was intriguing, and she picked up one of the face parts. She placed it where her own should be, and there it stayed. This she did, until she no longer was invisible.

When the night was over, and her body was assembled, she stepped out of the mirror, and found she then had a reflection. The eyes were different colors- and she wasn't very pretty, truth be told.

But she was happy.

Because she had a face.

She went back to the castle, because she was still a princess. Now, though, no one could lie to her about how stunning she was, because she knew what she looked like. She didn't need to ask anyone ever again.

It's a compelling story, don't you think? In some ways, we're all born invisible. We're told, sometimes in so many words, that we are beautiful princesses (I guess I have no idea what boys are told, never having been one. Are boys told that they are handsome princes?). But this really isn't true, because we're invisible. We have not made ourselves, not yet. We have no character, or built beauty in any way. The Witch was teaching the princess what she knew the queen had never learned, and would never teach: that beautiful people own themselves. Beautiful people are sometimes very ugly on the outside; beautiful people are beautiful because they are agents to themselves. They engage in life. They make a life for themselves, and that life is of their own choosing.

Beautiful people aren't disillusioned by anyone about who they are, or what they are meant to do in life. They do not believe in "destiny," because they make their own.

I recently stepped into the mirror. All this time, I've thought that I've been this person, the person I've been told "This is you, now don't move!"- but now, I realize, I've just been no one at all. I've just been "not moving," and no "this is you." That isn't life. I'm the only person who can say, "this is me."

People are afraid of making choices. Rather, I've been afraid of making choices, of really living, the way Thoreau describes it (or some sense of it, at least). --But this is not a dress rehearsal. When life comes knocking on that door, if I say, "no thank you, come later," the finite minutes of life that I've been given will not cease to tick into nothing, and the opportunities that I pass up may not come again. When they do, I may not have the time to take them, because as Pollyanna's minister says so well, "Death comes unexpectedly."

And it frightens me, that I might not make the most of it, and so much time has already been lost. John Keats, the poet, died at the age of 25. 25! I am only a few years younger than he was when he died, which means that, all the beautiful, deep, compelling and inspirational poems he wrote were written before then.

I look at what I've done with my life so far. You know what? It's nothing. I have done nothing to contribute to humanity. No one will read what I've written if I died today, because frankly it's not that good. No one will remember me, and think, "she taught me this, and it changed me," and certainly I have no children or husband whose lives would turn over should I go. I can't even say that my immediate family would be permanently affected: I barely keep in touch with them, truth be told.

Things have got to change.

I'm still a little invisible, so I don't really know how. But it's got to. If it doesn't, then it's like I'm already dead.

"Do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of."
-Benjamin Franklin

6 comments:

  1. You are not invisible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you and would die right with you if you died! Sorry life here has been too busy lately to keep up with everyone else...including you! We will make up for it together soon...that will be fun!!!!

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  2. Yeah, I agree with mom. You're not invisible- you do realize you were my best friend growing up, and still one of my very closest friends (besides the sisterly stuff and all). You write very well, you know. What was the name of that book?? I have a faint recollection of reading that.

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  3. You are only invisible if you think you are invisible. You are visible by the love you give, the service you render--these are what you make the most beautiful! Don't allow yourself to think you're invisible anymore--because, truth be told (as you like to say) you are not!

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  4. I don't think I conveyed my meaning adequately... I didn't mean that I'm socially invisible (the princess was well known). I think everybody needs to be aware of their selves, and what they really are, and not be lying to themselves "I'm a pretty princess," when really they're a normal person.

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  5. Heidi, I understand what you mean. I have felt much the same way in my life, especially as of late. You go through life, trying to do what you think is to be done. Trying to respond correctly to the situations around you until one day, you realize you've made a lot of decisions based solely on the pictures other people have painted of you. At this point, you feel somewhat empty. You feel that you have cheated yourself out of living. In the past you made some choices because it was the safe thing to do, but you told yourself that it was the right thing to do. You were too afraid to do what you might really want to do. You were too afraid to fail. It takes a lot to arrive at this awareness--a lot of introspection and a lot of humility. It is hard. Hard because you feel so little and hard because you have so much to overcome. But, it is amazing at the same time: you are free to do what you want to do. You no longer make the excuse that something is not right when you are simply just too scared to try. I'm not sure where you are at in the process. I have been where you are and I still working at embracing the me that I want to become. Every couple of years I get closer. I am really happy about where this journey has taken me. The Lord wants us to be happy. He wants us to live our lives, to explore our interests and follow our hearts. There are a million ways you can do that, and all of them are great. He will bless you in whatever way you choose. It's really important to have people around you who believe in you and express absolute encouragement in whatever you do. At the same time, it is really healthy to recognize how normal you are and how okay it is that you are normal. We don't have to do anything spectacular to be amazing, we just need to be ourselves and it is amazing to someone.

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  6. Thanks! I really, really appreciate your comment.

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