Last week I went a little crazy.
I'm a pretty even-headed person, and I don't normally get obsessed about anything, but last week, I couldn't get dogs out of my head.
I've wanted to get a dog for the longest time. When I was in college, I dreamed about taking our family dog, Bruno, out to school with me (what a terrible idea that was! He is a psychologically damaged senior German shepherd. I highly doubt he would have adjusted well to apartment life. But It was only a dream, okay?). But, I definitely didn't have time for a dog during college. I was working two jobs (about 30-35 hours a week) and carrying 15-17 credits, so I didn't really have time for pooping let alone taking care of a dog.
All that has changed. I have time now. Actually, I have a lot of time on my hands, and in my experience, time makes people do crazy things.
Still, I felt compelled to wait for the picket-fence life to get a dog. It is a big commitment, and I enjoy being foot-loose and fancy-free. Most of the time. The problem is, I've started to wonder if I'll ever be happy with a house in the suburbs and a very free daily schedule. In fact, I'm beginning to seriously doubt not only that I'll ever be able to have that life, but also that I would ever enjoy that life. I still wanted a dog. Of course I wanted a dog!
So I started visiting shelters.
I found Tilly at the Utah Humane Society. She is a black cocker spaniel, and about a year and a half old. She is very sweet, and I am working on her training. She came already house broken and knowing "sit" and "come." She is catching on to "down" (lay down) and as of yesterday, heels nicely.
But she barks at people, and other dogs, and sometimes when we're inside she growls at my roommate's dog. Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into.
What was I thinking?!
Friday, March 8, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Silly Students, Personal Lives are for .... Not Teachers!
I try to be very professional with my students. That doesn't stop them from asking the most personal kind of questions.
Also, they say really funny things sometimes, and I thought that I would just share a little bit with you:
Student: Ms B., how old are you?
Me: I'm 47.
Student: No way!
Me: Yes way!
Student: But.... you look like you're in your 20's!
Me: Oh stop! I'm blushing!
Student: Oh my gosh, you're older than my mom!
Student: Ms B., why are you not married?
Me: Because I'm very, very picky. Also, I'm extremely young.
Student: No, really!
Me: We're not going to talk about this.
Student: Why?
Me: Because it isn't professional.
Student: But.... I just don't get it. It's not like you're ugly or anything.
Student 1: How do you spell essay?
Student 2: That's a dumb question. It's S-A.
Student1: One direction is the best band EVER!
Student 2: I know! What did anyone ever listen to before them? They are the BEST!
Me: Have you ever heard of the Beatles?
Student 1: Yes, I have.
Me: Well, they are generally considered the "best band ever," just saying.
Student: They are nothing compared to One Direction. One Direction is definitely better.
Me: There are a lot of bands like One Direction that have come and gone, but the Beatles have remained present in our social consciousness for generations. So, I really don't think you're right.
Student: Name even one band like that.
Me: Well how about N'Sync? Have you ever heard of them?
Student: No.
Me: 98 degrees?
Student: No!
Me: Savage Garden?
Student: Wha...?
Me: Hansen?
Student: Ms B., I think you are making these bands up.
Me: No, I am not. All of these bands . . . were just like One Direction. And just like all of these bands, the next generation will have no idea who they are or what songs they did.
Student: NOOOOOOOOOOO! That's IMPOSSIBLE!!
Me: Boys and girls, please don't call me "Mrs." B. Mrs. B. is my mother.
Student1: So, what should we call you?
Me: Ms B.
Student2: Wait. You're not married?
Student3: How is that possible?
Me: I'm very young, you know.
Student3: But you're pretty!
Student 4 (to student 3, vehemently): Stop it! Mrs B. just hasn't met the right man yet. Someday, she will meet him, and he will be awesome, and he will love her sooooo much, and then they will get married and live happily ever after! So just give her a break!
Me: I'm so glad you have my life planned out for me, Student4.
Student4: No problem, Mrs. B.
Student 1: What is 40 plus 30?
Student 2: It's 70. You should know that by now. We're 7th graders, not kindergartners.
Me: Class! I have an exciting announcement to make!
Student1: You're pregnant!
Student2: You're engaged!
Student3: You're married!
Student4: You got a puppy!
Student5: Just let her talk, guys.
Me: We're going to memorize poems!
Student6: That's not as exciting as you made it sound.
Also, they say really funny things sometimes, and I thought that I would just share a little bit with you:
Student: Ms B., how old are you?
Me: I'm 47.
Student: No way!
Me: Yes way!
Student: But.... you look like you're in your 20's!
Me: Oh stop! I'm blushing!
Student: Oh my gosh, you're older than my mom!
Student: Ms B., why are you not married?
Me: Because I'm very, very picky. Also, I'm extremely young.
Student: No, really!
Me: We're not going to talk about this.
Student: Why?
Me: Because it isn't professional.
Student: But.... I just don't get it. It's not like you're ugly or anything.
Student 1: How do you spell essay?
Student 2: That's a dumb question. It's S-A.
Student1: One direction is the best band EVER!
Student 2: I know! What did anyone ever listen to before them? They are the BEST!
Me: Have you ever heard of the Beatles?
Student 1: Yes, I have.
Me: Well, they are generally considered the "best band ever," just saying.
Student: They are nothing compared to One Direction. One Direction is definitely better.
Me: There are a lot of bands like One Direction that have come and gone, but the Beatles have remained present in our social consciousness for generations. So, I really don't think you're right.
Student: Name even one band like that.
Me: Well how about N'Sync? Have you ever heard of them?
Student: No.
Me: 98 degrees?
Student: No!
Me: Savage Garden?
Student: Wha...?
Me: Hansen?
Student: Ms B., I think you are making these bands up.
Me: No, I am not. All of these bands . . . were just like One Direction. And just like all of these bands, the next generation will have no idea who they are or what songs they did.
Student: NOOOOOOOOOOO! That's IMPOSSIBLE!!
Me: Boys and girls, please don't call me "Mrs." B. Mrs. B. is my mother.
Student1: So, what should we call you?
Me: Ms B.
Student2: Wait. You're not married?
Student3: How is that possible?
Me: I'm very young, you know.
Student3: But you're pretty!
Student 4 (to student 3, vehemently): Stop it! Mrs B. just hasn't met the right man yet. Someday, she will meet him, and he will be awesome, and he will love her sooooo much, and then they will get married and live happily ever after! So just give her a break!
Me: I'm so glad you have my life planned out for me, Student4.
Student4: No problem, Mrs. B.
Student 1: What is 40 plus 30?
Student 2: It's 70. You should know that by now. We're 7th graders, not kindergartners.
Me: Class! I have an exciting announcement to make!
Student1: You're pregnant!
Student2: You're engaged!
Student3: You're married!
Student4: You got a puppy!
Student5: Just let her talk, guys.
Me: We're going to memorize poems!
Student6: That's not as exciting as you made it sound.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
My Soundtrack
Music is emotional, isn't it? For this reason, some songs are just special. Maybe they remind you of a certain time in your life or a certain person who is special, but each of us have a catalog of songs that mean something more than merely words and sounds. These are some of mine.
1. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," as sung by Judy Garland.
When I was very little, I watched this movie every day. During the day while Stephanie and Janel were at school, I pretended to be Dorothy, and I even had a tiny, little Lego Toto dog that I carried around in a tiny cloth basket. This is one of the first songs I learned all the lyrics to. As I've grown older, the song has grown with me. It is full of hope, and sometimes I think it's unfortunate, but so am I.
2. "Yesterday," The Beatles.
When I was 16, I was part of a pioneer trek reenactment. I was put in a "family" with a bunch of other kids and two very, very old "parents" whom we fondly called "Ma" and "Pa." We were a very musical group, and I was young and thought I was musical, too. We sang a lot of songs. Our Ma and Pa asked us to sing specific songs, and this was one of them. I was the only one who knew it, so I sang it alone. Our Pa cried a little and thanked me for singing it, because it was special to him. Now it is special to me, too.
3. "Halo," Beyonce.
I just loved this song the first time I heard it, and I listened to it about seven hundred and eighty two times the summer of 2009, which was also the year I worked EFY all summer long. I love remember that time! It was an incredible summer!
4. "I Am a Child of God"
This song is so beautiful that I imagine it is on many people's lists. Perhaps it is even on yours?
5. "I Dig a Pony," The Beatles.
My boss when I was in High school thought I was cool for one, glimmering moment when I knew the lyrics to this song. One, single moment.
6. "Hey Jude," The Beatles.
This was my audition piece for the Jazz band, and my favorite piano solo in Jazz band, too. It also happens to be one of the best songs ever penned, so why shouldn't it be on this list?
7. "My Funny Valentine," Um.... Mediocre (Jazz Band. I'm not sure who did this one originally. Google it if you really need to know.)
Another Jazz Band solo. 2nd favorite. Most jazz-y, too.
8. "It Don't Matter to Me," Bread.
After I graduated from BYU, my Dad helped me drive my car back to Pennsylvania. As we rode together, we listened to many songs, this being one of them. For those of you who are just now tuning in to this blog, that was a sad time for me because of a breakup that happened that same month. The song goes, "It don't matter to me if your searching brings you back together with me, because there'll always be an empty room waiting for you, an open heart waiting for you." And here I was, being driven home by my Dad to an empty room waiting for me, and his open heart beating just above the driver's seat of my 2002 ford focus. I don't know what events originally inspired these lyrics, but for me, they will always be a profession of my Dad's undying love for me.
9. "Maybe This Time," Cabaret.
My friend Bergen took me for a drive after a breakup back in 2009. He gave me an epic pep talk and sang along to this song as it appears on the Glee soundtrack, making it one of my all-time favorite songs ever.
10. "I Couldn't Live Without Your Love," Petula Clark.
This just happens to be one of my favorite love songs.
11. "You Can Call Me Al," Paul Simon.
I remember hearing this song on the radio when I was very young (younger than 7). It was just my Mom and I in the car, and as we rolled into our driveway, it ended. I think we only caught the end of the song or something, because we didn't know the name of the song. We both wanted to know the name, but the radio station didn't announce it. We both had just.... really liked it! Mom said something about the different instruments in it. I remember a little while later, Mom came to me all excited, and explained that she heard the song at the grocery store that day, and knew the title: "Call Me Al." Now every time I hear that song, I think of my Mom, and that is special.
12. "River of Dreams," Billy Joel.
We called this one "The Pool Song" because they played it at the Watsontown pool about once per hour. Love it!
13. "Daydream Believer," The Monkees
Long before "Shrek" was even an idea in someone's head, we listened to the Monkees. Actually, we had several of their albums (I'm talking vinyl here. Why replace a perfectly good sound system? Said my parents), and we jammed to this tune while we cleaned our ever-dirty house (we have a very large family. Mess happens).
14. "Mamma Mia," Abba
When my Mom was an impetuous teen, she dedicated this song to my Dad on the radio at 3 in the morning. (I am convinced that the greatest love story to date is the one between my Mom and Dad).
15. "My Heart's in the Highlands"
When I'm homesick, this is my anthem.
16. Night Song
"How fair is night,
heavenly stillness
peaceful thy brow
see the stars so clearly streaming
moving through the heaven's portal
bright and silent eyes immortal
from the distance on us gleaming,
from the distance gleaming."
I found this song in an old songbook and fell in love with it. I even learned the somewhat difficult melody on the harmonica, but I have no idea what the title is, and it doesn't google well. If anyone knows anything about this song, leave a comment please!
17. "Love at Home"
We sang this song at my sister's funeral.
18. "We Thank Thee, Oh God, for a Prophet"
We sing this song at almost every family home evening.
19. Down in the Valley
This is the last song my Grandpa played on the harmonica before he died. It is special to all of us.
20. Toby's Lullaby
When my youngest brother was a baby, I sang him to sleep with a song that I made up. I wrote down the words, because frankly, it's not bad. For some reason, this song gets stuck in my head sometimes. I find myself humming it in the shower, or on a walk, or as I shop for groceries. I love this song, because it reminds me of a time when I got to become closer to my brother. It might be presumptuous, because I am neither married nor in love, but I look forward to the day when I will sing that song to my own children.
Who knows? Maybe more songs will come to me when I have a sweet, tiny muse in my arms all night long.
1. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," as sung by Judy Garland.
When I was very little, I watched this movie every day. During the day while Stephanie and Janel were at school, I pretended to be Dorothy, and I even had a tiny, little Lego Toto dog that I carried around in a tiny cloth basket. This is one of the first songs I learned all the lyrics to. As I've grown older, the song has grown with me. It is full of hope, and sometimes I think it's unfortunate, but so am I.
2. "Yesterday," The Beatles.
When I was 16, I was part of a pioneer trek reenactment. I was put in a "family" with a bunch of other kids and two very, very old "parents" whom we fondly called "Ma" and "Pa." We were a very musical group, and I was young and thought I was musical, too. We sang a lot of songs. Our Ma and Pa asked us to sing specific songs, and this was one of them. I was the only one who knew it, so I sang it alone. Our Pa cried a little and thanked me for singing it, because it was special to him. Now it is special to me, too.
3. "Halo," Beyonce.
I just loved this song the first time I heard it, and I listened to it about seven hundred and eighty two times the summer of 2009, which was also the year I worked EFY all summer long. I love remember that time! It was an incredible summer!
4. "I Am a Child of God"
This song is so beautiful that I imagine it is on many people's lists. Perhaps it is even on yours?
5. "I Dig a Pony," The Beatles.
My boss when I was in High school thought I was cool for one, glimmering moment when I knew the lyrics to this song. One, single moment.
6. "Hey Jude," The Beatles.
This was my audition piece for the Jazz band, and my favorite piano solo in Jazz band, too. It also happens to be one of the best songs ever penned, so why shouldn't it be on this list?
7. "My Funny Valentine," Um.... Mediocre (Jazz Band. I'm not sure who did this one originally. Google it if you really need to know.)
Another Jazz Band solo. 2nd favorite. Most jazz-y, too.
8. "It Don't Matter to Me," Bread.
After I graduated from BYU, my Dad helped me drive my car back to Pennsylvania. As we rode together, we listened to many songs, this being one of them. For those of you who are just now tuning in to this blog, that was a sad time for me because of a breakup that happened that same month. The song goes, "It don't matter to me if your searching brings you back together with me, because there'll always be an empty room waiting for you, an open heart waiting for you." And here I was, being driven home by my Dad to an empty room waiting for me, and his open heart beating just above the driver's seat of my 2002 ford focus. I don't know what events originally inspired these lyrics, but for me, they will always be a profession of my Dad's undying love for me.
9. "Maybe This Time," Cabaret.
My friend Bergen took me for a drive after a breakup back in 2009. He gave me an epic pep talk and sang along to this song as it appears on the Glee soundtrack, making it one of my all-time favorite songs ever.
10. "I Couldn't Live Without Your Love," Petula Clark.
This just happens to be one of my favorite love songs.
11. "You Can Call Me Al," Paul Simon.
I remember hearing this song on the radio when I was very young (younger than 7). It was just my Mom and I in the car, and as we rolled into our driveway, it ended. I think we only caught the end of the song or something, because we didn't know the name of the song. We both wanted to know the name, but the radio station didn't announce it. We both had just.... really liked it! Mom said something about the different instruments in it. I remember a little while later, Mom came to me all excited, and explained that she heard the song at the grocery store that day, and knew the title: "Call Me Al." Now every time I hear that song, I think of my Mom, and that is special.
12. "River of Dreams," Billy Joel.
We called this one "The Pool Song" because they played it at the Watsontown pool about once per hour. Love it!
13. "Daydream Believer," The Monkees
Long before "Shrek" was even an idea in someone's head, we listened to the Monkees. Actually, we had several of their albums (I'm talking vinyl here. Why replace a perfectly good sound system? Said my parents), and we jammed to this tune while we cleaned our ever-dirty house (we have a very large family. Mess happens).
14. "Mamma Mia," Abba
When my Mom was an impetuous teen, she dedicated this song to my Dad on the radio at 3 in the morning. (I am convinced that the greatest love story to date is the one between my Mom and Dad).
15. "My Heart's in the Highlands"
When I'm homesick, this is my anthem.
16. Night Song
"How fair is night,
heavenly stillness
peaceful thy brow
see the stars so clearly streaming
moving through the heaven's portal
bright and silent eyes immortal
from the distance on us gleaming,
from the distance gleaming."
I found this song in an old songbook and fell in love with it. I even learned the somewhat difficult melody on the harmonica, but I have no idea what the title is, and it doesn't google well. If anyone knows anything about this song, leave a comment please!
17. "Love at Home"
We sang this song at my sister's funeral.
18. "We Thank Thee, Oh God, for a Prophet"
We sing this song at almost every family home evening.
19. Down in the Valley
This is the last song my Grandpa played on the harmonica before he died. It is special to all of us.
20. Toby's Lullaby
When my youngest brother was a baby, I sang him to sleep with a song that I made up. I wrote down the words, because frankly, it's not bad. For some reason, this song gets stuck in my head sometimes. I find myself humming it in the shower, or on a walk, or as I shop for groceries. I love this song, because it reminds me of a time when I got to become closer to my brother. It might be presumptuous, because I am neither married nor in love, but I look forward to the day when I will sing that song to my own children.
Who knows? Maybe more songs will come to me when I have a sweet, tiny muse in my arms all night long.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Reading List: A Beginning
I feel compelled to read.
I want to be "widely read," but I am not. I have read a lot of Robin McKinley, Shakespeare, and other popular books, but my classical foundation is shakey at best. So, I have written a list of books "to-read" that I feel will make me a more mature and experienced reader.
As you read this list, answer me this question: Have you read any of these books? Is this a good list? What is missing? What shouldn't be there?
I want to be "widely read," but I am not. I have read a lot of Robin McKinley, Shakespeare, and other popular books, but my classical foundation is shakey at best. So, I have written a list of books "to-read" that I feel will make me a more mature and experienced reader.
As you read this list, answer me this question: Have you read any of these books? Is this a good list? What is missing? What shouldn't be there?
1.
Brave New World
2.
Catch 22
3.
1984
4.
Slaughterhouse 5
5.
The Golden Bowl
6.
The Sun Also Rises
7.
Heart of Darkness
8.
The Return of the King (I've already read The Fellowship and The Two Towers)
9.
Wuthering Heights
10.
Little Women
11.
Dune
12.
This Side of Paradise
13.
The Art of War
14.
The Count of Monte Cristo
15.
A Christmas Carol
16.
Anne of Green Gables
17. Devil
in the White City
18. Siddhartha
19. Les
Miserable
20. The
Picture of Dorian Grey
21. Romeo
and Juliet (This one is a little embarrassing.)
22. Winter’s
Tale (Shakespeare)
23. The
Last of the Mohicans
24. The
Road (Cormac McCarthy)
25. The
Bell Jar
26. The
Hunchback of Notre Dam
27. The
Book Thief
What do you think? I honestly want some feedback, here. Once I get some feedback, I'll update the list and then give you reviews as I read!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Buckets of 42
There are a couple of things that I really want to do with my life before I die. Here is my actual bucket list:
1. Own a horse.
2. Own a dog.
3. Write books.
4. Own a farm. (These are obviously in no particular order).
5. Be on Conan O'Brian's show as a guest.
6. Meet Tina Fey.
7. Run a half marathon.
8. Hike the Appalachian trail.
9. Go to Germany.
10. Have a baby.
11. Learn to play a string instrument.
12. Fall in love one, last time.
13. Get a photograph into the National Geographic.
14. Be the voice of a cartoon character.
15. Have a vegetable/herb garden or greenhouse.
16. Have an orchard.
17. Learn to speak Spanish REALLY and fluently.
18. Learn to speak German, too.
19. Have grandchildren.
20. Die laughing.
1. Own a horse.
2. Own a dog.
3. Write books.
4. Own a farm. (These are obviously in no particular order).
5. Be on Conan O'Brian's show as a guest.
6. Meet Tina Fey.
7. Run a half marathon.
8. Hike the Appalachian trail.
9. Go to Germany.
10. Have a baby.
11. Learn to play a string instrument.
12. Fall in love one, last time.
13. Get a photograph into the National Geographic.
14. Be the voice of a cartoon character.
15. Have a vegetable/herb garden or greenhouse.
16. Have an orchard.
17. Learn to speak Spanish REALLY and fluently.
18. Learn to speak German, too.
19. Have grandchildren.
20. Die laughing.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Heidi Has a Happy Hippo
Just in case you're wondering, this post has a lot to do with religion.
When I was in fourth grade, I was invited to participate in the program, Oddyssey of the Mind. In our radically eclectic skit, my character was a puzzle peice named "Happy." I thought it was fitting, seeing as my first name is Heidi, and like Stan Lee, I'm a sucker for a good alliteration, especially when it comes to names. "Happy Heidi."
A little while after that, Stephanie drew these little illustrations of animals for each of us. They had adjectives, too. We each had a different animal. Well, mine was a hippo. A happy hippo. I didn't like being associated with a hippo, but I really liked being named "Happy" once again.
I don't have anything especially exciting to report. My life is pretty routine. I go to work, I go home. I go to church, I go get groceries. I look forward to the weekend, and I don't love Mondays.
But, I am happy.
Sometimes, when I kneel beside my bed to pray before I fall asleep, reflecting on my day and my life, I am overcome with a sense of happiness. I am surprised by it. It is not fleeting. It is constant. I am truly, deeply, actually happy. (No matter how much I wish it were different, the only thing I really feel in the morning when I pray is sleepy. Oh well).
I'm not really sure how long I had been deeply unhappy, but I can tell you: I was. I was so busy with college, and dating (I figured it out. Since I was 21, I have had only 10 months of "singleness," 6 of which have been the last half year. That's exhausting, and admittedly, a little unhealthy), that I really wasn't keeping my self in check. And I wasn't happy. To be honest, I wonder if I was ever really happy at college.
The summer was a little strange for me. I felt sad, but I enjoyed it. After all, I have a right to be sad, . Being sad is a part of the human experience, and a blessing. I am thankful for ALL of the blessings that my Heavenly Father allows me to have.
Don't get me wrong. I wasn't wallowing: I've done that before, and it isn't productive. No, this was a productive kind of sad, and sad might be the wrong word for it (maybe contrite? But nobody uses that word anymore). Anyhow, being sad helped me think about my SELF and who I am, and most importantly, what makes me happy. (Leave a comment if you can think of a better word for this. I just can't think of one).
I started reading more again. I used to read quite a lot for pleasure, but at school, I couldn't really choose what I read, because I was reading, reading, reading what the professors assigned me to read. I love the way I grew as a reader and a scholar during school, but there was something missing, too. So, here I was at home, and wanting to read, so I went to the library and brought home a stack of books, all picked by ME. Then I read them. Then I took them back. Then I got a new stack of books. Which I read. It was awesome.
I started painting with watercolors, too. I'm not very good, because I'm a beginner, but I enjoy watercolors. I like to play with the colors, and mixing, and trying to get the shapes and textures on the page the way I imagine. I think of myself as an artist these days. My work with markers and color pencils is, in my opinion, inspired. When I paint or draw, I feel a sense of peace and trainquility.
I re-evaluated my relgion. This, to me, means I re-evaluated my relationship with God and His Son, Jesus Christ. I'm not saying that I re-decided whether or not to have this relationship, but that I decided to change the way I related to Them. I prayed more. I studied the scriptures, my patriarchal blessing, and my journal to re-discover the many tender mercies I am showered with constantly. I changed my journal writing to focus on them, and describe them, so that in the future, when I come to a similar place in life, I will have more material to study.
I worked in the garden. I hope I helped my Mom, working in the house. I made new friends and I made new plans for myself.
Being happy is fantastic. I don't have to be at a party or playing a game to feel it; that's not the same kind of happiness I'm talking about. I don't even need to be dating someone. It's a feeling of deep satisfaction with who I am, and knowing that God is also satisfied with who I am, too.
I have this theory about cycles: everything is a cycle. Life is a cycle. Each day cycles in and out, each week, each year -- and so, too, do our lives, in a way, through a cycle of self examination and self acceptance:
1. First, we lose ourselves, and become a stranger with the person we are.
2. Then, we re-discover ourselves, or discover our new selves for the first time, again.
3. Then we learn to accept and adjust to who we now are.
4. Finally, we change again, becoming a stranger to our selves once more, starting the cycle over again.
I don't think that's deep or profound, but it's beautiful, and I don't have anything deep or profound to say, except that I am happy. I may not be the same little girl with a painted, plywood puzzle peice costume dancing on a stage singing "Happy, happy ha-PPY!" but I still am (or rather, am again finally) "Happy Heidi."
When I was in fourth grade, I was invited to participate in the program, Oddyssey of the Mind. In our radically eclectic skit, my character was a puzzle peice named "Happy." I thought it was fitting, seeing as my first name is Heidi, and like Stan Lee, I'm a sucker for a good alliteration, especially when it comes to names. "Happy Heidi."
A little while after that, Stephanie drew these little illustrations of animals for each of us. They had adjectives, too. We each had a different animal. Well, mine was a hippo. A happy hippo. I didn't like being associated with a hippo, but I really liked being named "Happy" once again.
I don't have anything especially exciting to report. My life is pretty routine. I go to work, I go home. I go to church, I go get groceries. I look forward to the weekend, and I don't love Mondays.
But, I am happy.
Sometimes, when I kneel beside my bed to pray before I fall asleep, reflecting on my day and my life, I am overcome with a sense of happiness. I am surprised by it. It is not fleeting. It is constant. I am truly, deeply, actually happy. (No matter how much I wish it were different, the only thing I really feel in the morning when I pray is sleepy. Oh well).
I'm not really sure how long I had been deeply unhappy, but I can tell you: I was. I was so busy with college, and dating (I figured it out. Since I was 21, I have had only 10 months of "singleness," 6 of which have been the last half year. That's exhausting, and admittedly, a little unhealthy), that I really wasn't keeping my self in check. And I wasn't happy. To be honest, I wonder if I was ever really happy at college.
The summer was a little strange for me. I felt sad, but I enjoyed it. After all, I have a right to be sad, . Being sad is a part of the human experience, and a blessing. I am thankful for ALL of the blessings that my Heavenly Father allows me to have.
Don't get me wrong. I wasn't wallowing: I've done that before, and it isn't productive. No, this was a productive kind of sad, and sad might be the wrong word for it (maybe contrite? But nobody uses that word anymore). Anyhow, being sad helped me think about my SELF and who I am, and most importantly, what makes me happy. (Leave a comment if you can think of a better word for this. I just can't think of one).
I started reading more again. I used to read quite a lot for pleasure, but at school, I couldn't really choose what I read, because I was reading, reading, reading what the professors assigned me to read. I love the way I grew as a reader and a scholar during school, but there was something missing, too. So, here I was at home, and wanting to read, so I went to the library and brought home a stack of books, all picked by ME. Then I read them. Then I took them back. Then I got a new stack of books. Which I read. It was awesome.
I started painting with watercolors, too. I'm not very good, because I'm a beginner, but I enjoy watercolors. I like to play with the colors, and mixing, and trying to get the shapes and textures on the page the way I imagine. I think of myself as an artist these days. My work with markers and color pencils is, in my opinion, inspired. When I paint or draw, I feel a sense of peace and trainquility.
I re-evaluated my relgion. This, to me, means I re-evaluated my relationship with God and His Son, Jesus Christ. I'm not saying that I re-decided whether or not to have this relationship, but that I decided to change the way I related to Them. I prayed more. I studied the scriptures, my patriarchal blessing, and my journal to re-discover the many tender mercies I am showered with constantly. I changed my journal writing to focus on them, and describe them, so that in the future, when I come to a similar place in life, I will have more material to study.
I worked in the garden. I hope I helped my Mom, working in the house. I made new friends and I made new plans for myself.
Being happy is fantastic. I don't have to be at a party or playing a game to feel it; that's not the same kind of happiness I'm talking about. I don't even need to be dating someone. It's a feeling of deep satisfaction with who I am, and knowing that God is also satisfied with who I am, too.
I have this theory about cycles: everything is a cycle. Life is a cycle. Each day cycles in and out, each week, each year -- and so, too, do our lives, in a way, through a cycle of self examination and self acceptance:
1. First, we lose ourselves, and become a stranger with the person we are.
2. Then, we re-discover ourselves, or discover our new selves for the first time, again.
3. Then we learn to accept and adjust to who we now are.
4. Finally, we change again, becoming a stranger to our selves once more, starting the cycle over again.
I don't think that's deep or profound, but it's beautiful, and I don't have anything deep or profound to say, except that I am happy. I may not be the same little girl with a painted, plywood puzzle peice costume dancing on a stage singing "Happy, happy ha-PPY!" but I still am (or rather, am again finally) "Happy Heidi."
Monday, October 1, 2012
A Couple of Japanese-Inspired Poems
So, yeah. Haiku is un-translatable into the English language. I get that. But here are a couple of "standard" English-language, autumn-inspired haiku's that I wrote today as examples for my creative writing students. I don't think they're too bad.
***
He hands her a cup
That’s full of apple cider
Too soon it empties
Red salamander
He doesn’t know that the fall
Comes without warning
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)