Poop!

Poop.

My new dog, a 9 pound cairn terrier/yorkie mix, is not housebroken. After I got her, I waited for her to poop. I wanted to get her outside before she actually did it, so that I could take her out and start training her to poop outside. She waited, too. She didn't poop for a day and a half! Then, while I was getting ready for church Sunday morning, she finally pooped.

And then she ate it.

I walked back into my bedroom after doing my makeup to find my little lady chomping down on her own doo-doo. I scolded her, and took away the poop. Then I ran a google search. Apparently, it's pretty common for dogs to eat poop: be it their own or someone else's, they just seem to like eating poop.

So gross.

On another note, let me tell you, this new dog is already a better fit for me than the last one. She gets along with the other dog in our house, and she already walks beside me, not pulling on the lead and walking directly in front of me. She likes strangers, because they pet her. She doesn't bark.

She is so little that she can't jump up on my bed. So, she sleeps under my bed or on her doggie bed. She seems to really like her pillow.

She has a lot of work to do, but I feel confident that we can work together and she will be a good dog. I am pretty happy about that!

I am working on thinking of a name for her. Here is my list of names I have thought of and am considering:

• Pookie
• Kiki
• Mag Light
• Bagel
• Arrow
• Virginia Woolf (Woolf for short)

Which name do you like best?

I Got A Puppy and Now I'm Freaking Out A Little

Last week I went a little crazy.

I'm a pretty even-headed person, and I don't normally get obsessed about anything, but last week, I couldn't get dogs out of my head.

I've wanted to get a dog for the longest time. When I was in college, I dreamed about taking our family dog, Bruno, out to school with me (what a terrible idea that was! He is a psychologically damaged senior German shepherd. I highly doubt he would have adjusted well to apartment life. But It was only a dream, okay?). But, I definitely didn't have time for a dog during college. I was working two jobs (about 30-35 hours a week) and carrying 15-17 credits, so I didn't really have time for pooping let alone taking care of a dog.

All that has changed. I have time now. Actually, I have a lot of time on my hands, and in my experience, time makes people do crazy things.

Still, I felt compelled to wait for the picket-fence life to get a dog. It is a big commitment, and I enjoy being foot-loose and fancy-free. Most of the time. The problem is, I've started to wonder if I'll ever be happy with a house in the suburbs and a very free daily schedule. In fact, I'm beginning to seriously doubt not only that I'll ever be able to have that life, but also that I would ever enjoy that life. I still wanted a dog. Of course I wanted a dog!

So I started visiting shelters.

I found Tilly at the Utah Humane Society. She is a black cocker spaniel, and about a year and a half old. She is very sweet, and I am working on her training. She came already house broken and knowing "sit" and "come." She is catching on to "down" (lay down) and as of yesterday, heels nicely.

But she barks at people, and other dogs, and sometimes when we're inside she growls at my roommate's dog. Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into.

What was I thinking?!

My Brother Likes Cars. A Lot.

My Mom took my brother and me to the mall. As we're looking for a parking spot, he says: "Quick! Take a picture! Take a picture!" and, knowing by instinct, he meant me to take a picture of a car, I took a picture of the cool car directly in front of us:

But he did not mean that one. He meant this one:

So this one's for you, Nephi. You car fanatic, you.

Poe, The House of Usher, and the American Gothic.

Do you ever get frustrated with holdings at the library? I do. So, when I put this book on hold, I thought, "maybe I'll just buy it on amazon." Then I found that the lowest price was $80.35! I guess not!

I am a Tribute (Obituary)

PROVO, Ut -- Heidi B., the perpetual student, of Brigham Young University, has died. She was ...well, it's curious, saying the age of a woman, even a dead one, even if I'm not saying, but just typing it, seems impolite. Let's just say she was old enough to drink, and young enough to die good. Even though she didn't drink, and she wasn't really good, either.

Heidi, a left-hander, was 741-0 with two near-wins and five comically predictable strike-outs only in the last year.

Heidi suffered and died from complications due to what medical experts called a "massive BSR stroke" (while reading, of course) caused, doctors say, by an unusual combination of extreme boredom, extreme seclusion, and massive reading. Apparently the brain really can only handle a quantifiable amount of proportionate salmations of these three things, and doctors estimate that she had exceeded the normal limits of "so much" in the eighth grade. "It's a wonder," said one expert, "that she made it as long as she did. It really was only a matter of time."

Witnesses claim that she died laughing.

According to Heidi's friends, she was "nice --- but a little strange." One friend said, "I felt bad for her, because she just didn't fit in -- I mean, she really, really didn't. I just wanted to help her be normal, but it was totally beyond her to even see normal. It's like she didn't even realize how weird she was. Or she liked being abnormal. I think she was pretty near-sighted, actually. She told me her contact prescription once, and I sort of wondered if it were legal for someone so impaired to drive."

Heidi's family had nothing to say on the subject of her death. When questioned, they asked, "Who?" and then, "she's dead? What are you talking about? Stop being ridiculous. I don't have time for one of these games."

According to several facebook tests, she most likely was color blind, had road rage, dandruff, schizophrenia, technophobia, androphobia, and would most likely date both George AND Fred Weasley if she were a student at Hogwarts. Of course that means the opposite (Except the part about androphobia).

Heidi was pursuing a degree in English Teaching, which she unfortunately did not obtain prior to her death.  She has exactly zero major (or minor. She was minoring in humanities) accomplishments to speak of.

She is survived by ...well, no one. She never did get around to making one of those family-things, and her apartment contract forbade pets of any kind.

At least she died laughing.

Comedy Central.

I wrote down some of the ridiculous things that my family said while I was home visiting this summer. We're an outspoken tribe, as you're about to see.

Anika: "Heidi, do we have meat in us? Like animals?"

Makiah: "Someday, Heidi, we're going to get out of this house."

Me: "I already did... remember the part where I go to college?"

Makiah: "Oh yeah. I forgot."

Nephi: "I wish Makiah were a boy."

Anika: "Evil people have messy hair."

Nephi: "The string won't go back in; the hat's lost; and his battery pack won't go back into his butt."

Makiah: (to Janel): "You're going to live in the city, I just know it."

Makiah: "Do you have The Orthodox book with you?"

Me: "Uh... The Alchemist?"

Makiah: "That's what I said."

Kimber: "We have a gene in our family that makes us ruin our own lives."

Makiah: "...as long as he has nice lips. And good hair. And nice teeth!"

Makiah: "...Obviously you're not telepathic."

Stephanie: "What's worse than having a child attached to a blanket?"

Mom: "Having a child that's attached to two blankets." (That would be Penny).

Anika: "She's disgusting. I like her, a little. As a friend."

Connor: (age 6): "I can drive!"

Anika: (emphatically) "No, you can't! You don't even have a license plate! You'd go to juvenile!"

Nephi: "...and guys, being obnoxious is when you talk real loudly, just to let you know."

Makiah: (very seriously)"No, Nephi. Being obnoxious can mean many different things."

Makiah: "How much is tithing?"

Mom: "Ten percent."

Nephi: (indignantly) "I thought it was five!"

Also, I Forgot to Title This Before Publishing.

Sometimes I amaze even myself with my genuine absentmindedness.

Take the past two days, for example:

I am currently procrastinating a paper that I forgot about, which is due today, which is supposed to be about 5 pages. Brilliant, I know.

This morning, I remembered my work schedule as being in the farthest booth from the police station. I’m actually in the 2nd closest booth, but I didn’t remember that until I actually arrived at the farthest booth. Genius, I can hear you thinking it, I might as well say it.

Yesterday morning I had to leave work early for a guest lecturer, visiting from Calvin college, an author who we are studying in one of my classes. I have been excited for this lecture all week, but I totally forgot about it until my phone’s alarm went off 15 minutes before the lecture was scheduled to begin. I was still in my uniform and everything! So I rushed back, and made it just in the nick of time.

After class yesterday, I stayed on campus in the computer lab to do some work. I stayed there for about an hour when hunger finally overcame me, so I headed home. When I got there, I realized with a jolt that cleaning checks were tonight, plus the temple trip was tonight, and there was only an hour before take off! So I scrambled to do my cleaning (luckily our apartment is actually super clean, and the work needed for cleaning checks is basically a sanitation process that may or may not be visibly noticeable), changed into temple appropriate attire, and met for the carpool on time.

I ate something, too, but apparently not enough, because I got a low blood sugar while in the temple, which is not exactly embarrassing or anything.

I’m too young for Alzheimer’s disease, right?

I Am a Rock Star.

Mark: How old are you?
Me: (Rolls eyes) I'm 23.
Mark: (Surprised) Oh!
Me: (a little irritated. because 23 shouldn't be surprising.) How old are YOU?
Mark: (taken aback) I'm 23.
Me: Well you know what they say about being 23.
Mark: Yeah, nobody likes you.
Me: (Realizing I just found my new best friend).

Nephi, the Water Bender

My brother Nephi wishes he were the avatar. He's practicing water bending on the trampoline.

Darkroom

You know, darkrooms are ingenious little closets.

the room's called "dark," but it's all about light.

You go in, turn the lights off. You use a red light, but it doesn't stress you, because for some reason, it's the only shade of calm red there is. You pour the chemicals into their respective basins, and it smells. Somehow it's the most delicious smell of gross there possibly could be, because that smell is the photography smell. You get out a strip of film, and you pick a frame. Brush it off. You place it in the frame carrier, and shove it into the enlarger. You turn on the light and open the diaphragm all the way, roughly estimating at the size you want the image to be, and then placing the focusing tool on the image. You crouch down, carefully focus the image, and then you close up the light. Magic will soon begin.

Magic is a lot of tedious work, come to find. Tedious, magical work that feels like play.

Set the timer. Careful, paper! Place it carefully, turn it on. Time is up! Turn it off, Slip! Into the developer, and sweet! Here it comes!

Stop bath, let it rinse. Wash, wash, wash. Wash. Wash. Hang, dry. Can't wait. Take it out, out into the light. It's like birth: out of the womb, into the light, covered in liquid.

Add a filter, change the time. Do it again, again, again, until it's right. Hours go by, but who cares? You are making magic. You are making a print: you are painting with light.

Darkrooms are ingenious little closets.

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive!"

-Sir Walter Scott

Block that sun.

"A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!"

-Aragorn

Tres Leche in the trash. Why? People who get tickets don't give legit desserts to traffic officers.

"Accept what people offer. Drink their milkshakes. Take their love."

-Wally Lamb

Silly Tabbi.

"It's useful being top banana in the shock department."

-Holly Golightly

Tabbi wore my shoes, and I just happened to be wearing her shoes. We switched feet, essentially.

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."

-Jack Handey

"What becomes of the brokenhearted? They buy shoes."

-Mimi Pond

You Say "Grow Up," I Say "Throw Up"

Ever wonder what would happen if you put a whole handful of those cinnamon flavored candies in your mouth, all at once? Stop wondering and start watching.

I am NOT a Man.

Have I mentioned the paper I'm writing? It compares the world and characters created by Edgar Allan Poe to the world and characters of Batman. So while I was working on it yesterday in the family history library, my mind was understandably elsewhere. I suddenly realized that I would soon be embarrassed if I didn't use a restroom, so I made a quick dash to the lobby and into the bathroom- the men's bathroom. I just walked right in, without even looking at the sign, meaning to do my business and be done as fast as was humanly possible.

Luckily, a concerned young man who entered the room just behind me declared, "This is the men's room," and I soon became painfully aware that he was talking to me.

They say that children laugh grossly more than adults, so I feel comfortable saying that I laughed like a child for the rest of the day. I think the old woman researching her great, great grandma Sarah Beasley in the kiosk beside me worried for my sanity.

Come to think of it, I tried to use the men's room... maybe I should be worried, too!

Radical Eclecticism

Sometimes, you just need to get out of the house.

For me, that also means "off campus," and the other day, it also meant, "away from my roommates and friends." So I went shopping.

I walked to the store; it took about fifteen minutes. I thought it was worth it. I wanted to take my time. I needed shampoo, so I decided to leisurely peruse the hair products. As I was looking, a large woman in a moo-moo dress started looking for shampoo, too. Her husband/boyfriend/victim was with her. He seemed to enjoy listening to her, but I know that she couldn't be a friend of mine.

"Do they have it? Where is it? This isn't it. I'd have to do my hair every day if I used this. Who does their hair every day? I know I don't. Look at my hair, does it look like I did it this morning? Well, I didn't. Here it is. Oh, they've raised the price. That's ridiculous. They're going to regret that, because we aren't going to buy it anymore. It's too expensive now, you might as well buy it at the salon. Can you believe? The other day, I was at the salon, and someone actually asked them if the shampoo was safe on pubic hair. Isn't that awful? The clerk just looked at them, disgusted. We all were mortified."

I didn't want to hear it, but once I started listening, I couldn't stop. Her companion seemed to genuinely agree with her on everything she said. I don't expect everyone to agree with everything I say, but obviously, there's someone, somewhere who will.

I'd like to thank that person in advance for their validation.