Turn Signals and Boxes

This is a rambler, folks.

My life is like a TV show.

There are 2 kinds of tv shows out there: the kind that have arch stories that take place over many episodes (like Gossip Girl, Once Upon a Time, or Grimm), and those that have stories that are completely contained in one episode (like Gilligan's Island, Hey Arnold, or Green Acres).

My life is like the latter.

No matter how hard I try, I feel like nothing really changes in my life. There are things I would really like to change, too, like: living in an apartment, not having and children, or eating cereal for dinner. I get to critical points where I get excited and think: "yeah, now things are going to really get shaken up around here!" but alas, I lie to myself every time. By the end of the episode, I am always back to square one: living in a box, alone, and eating LIFE even though I'm not living it.

At least, that's how I feel sometimes. But in another light, my life is ALWAYS changing.

Of the people who I see on a daily basis, I met none of them before August, 2012. I have a dog now. I don't share my bedroom with another lady, and! I have a REAL job!

I don't know if it's good or bad, but there it is. When changes DOES happen, it rarely happens with warning. I feel like almost every change that I anticipate in life goes a different way than I thought it would, and changes that I think I'm making happen just don't happen at all. There is no point in using your turn signal if you're already in the next lane, nor if you're not actually going to make any turns.

It all feels so pointless and dolor.

Do you remember The Truman Show? There's this one part where he tries to get out of town, and every road out is blocked by something. At the end of the day, he has to go back home. Do you ever feel like Truman? Like everything is fake?

Sometimes, when I'm in a room with florescent lights, I feel like I am not in reality, but rather in a painting or a dream. It just doesn't seem real. Then I wonder, what is reality, anyhow? How can I be sure that I'm in it? Have you ever asked yourself that question?

Sometimes I think, "I just need a new hobby," or, "it's this weather!" but then, at other times, I realize: I live inside a box. That just isn't natural.

Then I go outside for a little bit. I might even take a drive out into the mountains or to the river. I sit outside for a little bit, and things start to fall back into place.

We just weren't meant to live in boxes.

Songs of War

I have a confession to make: I have seen every episode of Star Trek: the Next Generation. Yes, I am a closet Trekker. Not only that, but on some unfortunately uncontrollable level, it has shaped my world view. That's what the media does to children, okay?

I think I would hate this show if I watched it for the first time today. But I didn't; I watched it for the first time when I was a toddler. We watched it as a family. It was fascinating. I didn't choose the Trekkie life, the Trekkie life chose me!

Star Trek does this thing where it makes cultural references, be they pop or other, as if they were so impactful that they would still be germane 400 years from now.

Confession #2: I love Celtic music and culture almost as much as I love my own culture.

When I was a little girl (again with the youth!) I decided to get a tiny, little bit obsessed about a few things: Prince William, Thundercats, ancient Egypt, and Celtic music/culture.

In fact, I recently went to a Flogging Molly concert, but that's another post altogether.

As an English teacher, of course I love listening for and watching the Shakespeare references in Star Trek, but I really got excited when they sang "The Minstrel Boy" in this episode, because it is a slightly more obscure reference. I love this song. It is so sad, so noble, and so beautiful.

Gotta love those text-to-text connections!

Happy Pi Day!

I taught writing free verse poetry in my creative writing class today, and I modeled writing one about Pi, which isn't very good, but may entertain you:

Pi
Oh boy, it's pie!
Yum, yum.
Wait.
This isn't pie?
Pi?
What is pi?
So you're telling me
I'm eating math?
Yuck.
I might be sick.
What would it look like
if numbers were
vomit?
3.14159265 . . .

A New Way to Break My Heart

I had to take my dog (of a little over one week) back to the humane society. She tried to bite a couple of people, and I didn't see it getting any better --- in fact, the longer she stayed with me, the more territorial she seemed to become and less likely to "warm up" to strangers coming to visit us.

It broke my heart.

I cried all Sunday night after realizing that I just couldn't keep her. I called my parents, and they helped me see that it was the right decision for both me and Tilly, but it still was very sad. On Monday, I actually literally felt like a rock was resting on top of my heart organ. I hated that.

When I gathered her up at my apartment after work, I cried and cried. On the way to the shelter, I cried. I think the guy in the truck behind me at the stoplight to get onto the freeway saw me (he looked concerned, and I felt embarrassed, but still couldn't stop crying).

I thought that by the time I got to the shelter, all of my tears would be gone, but no. I continued to cry. In fact, I made a fool of myself. I even started hyperventilating. I tried so hard to stop, because I was in public now, but I just couldn't. The workers at the shelter were very kind, but I could tell they were a little freaked out by my socially unnacceptable behavior, In fact, so was I.

I sort of regret it, taking her back. I miss her already. I wish she was with me when I go home, and I wish she needed me to take her out in the morning and in the evening, and walk with me. But, then I remind myself that things were not going to get better, and I would end up with a dog who bites.

This way, I can try again to find the right dog for me.

I don't know why I want a dog so badly, but I can tell you, I haven't felt this strongly about wanting something for a long time. It hurts, but it also feels good to want something and pursue it.

I think that might be a part of human nature: the right to obsess over something for a period of time. I feel more alive for having a small, controled obsession. I feel passionate and emotional in a way I have not felt before, at least not in recent memory.

Then again, maybe it's bad. Maybe I am losing control. Maybe I am going a little crazy.

What do you think? And, do you ever obsess over something?

I Just Want to Stop Saying Goodbye to Everyone.

I had this dream once where I went to one of my sister's basketball games, and I was talking to a lady who I had never met before, but we were fast friends. I suddenly realized that I was dreaming, and that it wasn't real. I asked her, "is this a dream?" and she replied, "yes, it is."

So, I asked her, "are you not real, then?"

and she said, "I don't know. I hope I'm real."

I told her, "Yes, I hope you are, too. Will we ever meet again, once I wake up?"

"I don't know. It's hard to say."

"I hope so."

"I hope so, too."

"Are you scared?" I asked.

"Yes, a little."

And I've wondered how she's doing, ever since then, and we haven't met again.

I Got A Puppy and Now I'm Freaking Out A Little

Last week I went a little crazy.

I'm a pretty even-headed person, and I don't normally get obsessed about anything, but last week, I couldn't get dogs out of my head.

I've wanted to get a dog for the longest time. When I was in college, I dreamed about taking our family dog, Bruno, out to school with me (what a terrible idea that was! He is a psychologically damaged senior German shepherd. I highly doubt he would have adjusted well to apartment life. But It was only a dream, okay?). But, I definitely didn't have time for a dog during college. I was working two jobs (about 30-35 hours a week) and carrying 15-17 credits, so I didn't really have time for pooping let alone taking care of a dog.

All that has changed. I have time now. Actually, I have a lot of time on my hands, and in my experience, time makes people do crazy things.

Still, I felt compelled to wait for the picket-fence life to get a dog. It is a big commitment, and I enjoy being foot-loose and fancy-free. Most of the time. The problem is, I've started to wonder if I'll ever be happy with a house in the suburbs and a very free daily schedule. In fact, I'm beginning to seriously doubt not only that I'll ever be able to have that life, but also that I would ever enjoy that life. I still wanted a dog. Of course I wanted a dog!

So I started visiting shelters.

I found Tilly at the Utah Humane Society. She is a black cocker spaniel, and about a year and a half old. She is very sweet, and I am working on her training. She came already house broken and knowing "sit" and "come." She is catching on to "down" (lay down) and as of yesterday, heels nicely.

But she barks at people, and other dogs, and sometimes when we're inside she growls at my roommate's dog. Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into.

What was I thinking?!

It's the New Year, Step in Time!

I love teaching!

I've taught 3 days now. 3 days is not a whole lot, but I have loved it. I look forward to tomorrow, the next day, and the next day! I feel even more confident teaching my own lessons, which are part of my own unit, than I ever have before in my teaching experiences.

Of course this is a "honeymoon" period. Of course I do not believe that I will always feel this elated, but . . .


I might! ;-)

We Are Cavemen!

Jordan and I went to Timpanogos Cave National Monument. It's a 1 1/2 mile hike up the mountain to the caves, and it's about an hour long tour once inside with a ranger. We had a lot of fun doing something different from the norm!

We made it!

Look --- we're inside a cave!

....another climber.

What can I say? I love bugs! When I was little, my Grandma told me that these kinds of caterpillars (Wooly Bears) could forecast the outcome of the coming winter. Who knows? Maybe it's true.

Harry Is My Homeboy.

I remember when my elementary school librarian told me about Harry Potter. I thought she was telling me this huge secret, about this secretly awesome book, and I was one of the few cool people who was going to read it and enjoy the fantasy world which is Hogwarts.

Not so.

Obviously Harry Potter became extremely popular extremely fast. I feel like I grew up with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. In fact, and by fact I mean fiction, Harry was born in 1980, making him actually seven years older than I am. That doesn't change the fact that when these books came out, I was about the same age as he was, and I identified profoundly with-- well, Hermione.

What can I say? I had no way to avoid connecting myself with her. I felt different from my peers as every adolescent inevitably does, I had extremely frizzy, ugly hair that I was sure even magic couldn't make normal, I liked to read in extreme excess (and not just fiction, but frankly, please don't laugh, but there was a time when I couldn't fall asleep without reading a couple pages from the dictionary), and back in the day, I was, unfortunately, a know-it-all. I guess I still am, but I really try not to be. Honest. Can I help it if I know things? And, knowing the answer, don't I have an obligation to raise my hand?

The Harry Potter Era is coming to an important, final milestone. The last movie. Of course, there is talk about how Harry will be perpetuated beyond the "original" bounds of the series, but honestly? This is it. Even if Harry Potter goes on, I've outgrown the limits of his reach. I don't read fantasy anymore. It bores me. I've discovered a wider world of reading, and hobbies that actually include other parts of my brain and (gasp!) even other people.

It's important to do things right. So, Harry's going out with proper ceremony. That's right, a Harry Potter marathon extravaganza!

So far, we've watched the first three movies, and our plan is to finish watching the other four movies that have come out on DVD watching part one of the seventh movie the night before we go to watch the last one. We contemplated going to the midnight showing, even, but decided against it in light of our collective experiences with crowds, tiredness, and equal amounts of enjoyment, and even increased amounts, in delaying a few hours and watching the movie a little later.

I'm pretty excited, but I'm also a little sad. I'm saying goodbye to Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Perhaps it's time to find a new series with endearing characters, good writing, plenty of adventure, and the hero cycle on a continuous loop?

Or Virginia Woolf.

The Coraline Corollary

I would have to say that I am a fairly functional adult-type. As an adult-type, I:

1.) pay for my own food,
2.) shelter,
3.) clothing,
4.) phone,
5.) transportation,
6.) and school.

Also,

7.) I have a job (I have two jobs).
8.) I do not embarrass myself in public (often. Also, I do not wear sweatpants in public.)
9.) I can carry a delightful conversation about various culturally significant topics of our day, including feminism, Distopian societies, global warming, and online shopping.

So why do I feel like a failure?

1.) The food I pay for is mostly ice cream.
2.) I live in an apartment styled after a college dorm.
3.) I am, as a preservice English teacher, destined to dress like this:





. . . which is one step up from the Renaissance fair. But that's not saying much.

4.) I frequently misplace my phone. Once I misplaced it in the refrigerator.

5.) I have no car,

6.) I have been going to school for a loooooong, long time. I will never escape the vortex.

7.) My jobs are temporary,

8.) I often trip and/or fall without apparent cause except gravity,

and

9.) I know nothing about politics (except that although everyone wants everyone to be happy, no one is).

Poe, The House of Usher, and the American Gothic.

Do you ever get frustrated with holdings at the library? I do. So, when I put this book on hold, I thought, "maybe I'll just buy it on amazon." Then I found that the lowest price was $80.35! I guess not!

Day: ...Today

Scene: Virginia, my sister's townhouse. Specifically, the bathroom.
Time: The morning of the wedding.
Characters:

1. Anika, age: 7. 
2. Tabitha, age: . . .adult. 
3. Me, age: . . .also an adult-type.

Heidi: (Brushing mascara onto her eyelashes)
ENTER Tabitha, stage left.
Tabitha:  Heidi, do you know what lice looks like?
Heidi: Uh.... no, I've never had lice. I think they're really small? Why?
Tabitha: Can you take a look at Anika's hair?
Heidi: (Panic. Also, suppressed laughter.) Yeah, where is she?
Tabitha: She's downstairs. Don't say anything in front of her, I don't want her to freak out.
Heidi: Yeah, yeah. Of course, of course.
They both walk downstairs, and go over to where Anika is sitting.
Heidi: Hey, Anika.
Anika: Hi, Heidi.
They both look at Anika's head, trying not to look suspicious, but also trying to decide what is going on.
Heidi: That might be.
Anika: Might be what?
Heidi: That might be (hestitates) the (slow, getting faster, voice rising with excitement) prettiest girl on the planet!
Anika: (Giggles) Thanks!
Heidi: You're welcome! (To Tabitha) Make sure Mom sees it as soon as she gets back.

Day 2: Pack It Up!

"Oh, my! I'd forgotten how much I hate space travel!"

-C3PO

First, you have to get your life in order: make sure you have airplane appropriate snacks, homework done, tests taken, papers handed in, books read, movies watched, et cetera. Then you have to pack your clothes, pack your shoes, pack your books, pack your makeup, hygenic tools, hair things, and journal, scriptures, netbook, folders, pencil box (Yeah, I've got a pencil box. Yeah, I'm in college. So what?), pack your meds, pack your toothbrush! Did you forget your toothbrush?

Oh, and make sure you don't have any liquids in containers larger than two ounces. Oh, and make sure you have  an airplane appropriate book and/or activity, because you're not going to actually get anything academic done on a plane. It's like riding a bus, but in the sky, and you breath the same air over, and over, and over again for five to seven hours.

So yeah, I hate space travel.

That is all.